Going nowhere fast

Today I got a nice reminder that I am still very, very far from the completion of my novel. This man I work with asked me if I was writing a novel and I said yes (although I don’t remember ever mentioning it to him, because there were only two people at my job that I shared personal things with – one quit and the other just got fired). He asked me how much I’d written so far and I told him 16,000 words. He told me to “dumb it down” for him and tell me how many pages I’d written, so I said 26. “Oh, so you’re still just starting!” he said. I nodded and smiled, but I felt like I’d just gotten slapped.

Some people take five years to write a novel so I suppose I shouldn’t pressure myself. But I do feel like I’m not writing fast enough, or more to the point I’m not spending enough time each day on my writing. I started my WIP in January (give or take, I can’t remember the exact date I began the story) and it’s now the middle of March. If I had pushed myself to write 1,000 words a day starting Jan 1st, I would have a 90k novel by March 31. Even if I’d only written 500 words a day, I’d be at 45k by then, which is a hell of a lot better than the 16k I’m at now.

I told myself I wanted to have a finished manuscript by my birthday. Not a complete ms, as in written, edited, re-read and double checked by someone else. Just a first draft, preferably one with “the end” on the last page. Well, my birthday is less than two months away (May 12) so the chances of that happening are pretty slim. I’ve been hoping to get laid off for months now so I can collect unemployment and finally get to spend my days doing something I enjoy doing, but considering I’m the only bookkeeper in my department it’s pretty unlikely. Which means I’m stuck spending 9-5, Mon – Fri at a job that drains the life out of me so by the time I get home I am too exhausted (mentally and physically) to get much (if any) writing done. I have the weekends free of course, but somehow something always gets in the way (cleaning, taking the dog out if it’s nice, etc etc).

What I need is something or someone to kick my ass into gear! I need motivation and energy, but both are very hard to find for me. I haven’t had many successes in my life and I think I have subconsciously gotten used to settling for being mediocre. I think maybe I’m subconsciously trying to fail because I don’t know what it’s like to succeed and I’m scared of change. I wonder if I have what it takes to become an author. Because I know now that it takes a whole lot more than just writing a story. Editing, querying, searching for agents, most likely doing more revisions after finding an agent. It sounds very overwhelming, and I get stressed easily. I want to do this, I want to make this happen. But how do I get past these worries and distractions, and concentrate on just getting the writing done?