Not to say that every writer out there suffers from depression. But I do believe depression is common, for a number of reasons. I read a great quote this morning which is actually the inspiration for this post: “depression is anger turned inwards”. That explains so much for me. I have always had anger issues and depression, stemming from childhood. (I’d like to say “I have a dysfunctional family”, but that phrase doesn’t carry nearly the same amount of weight that it once did. Now everyone says (or thinks) their family is dysfunctional.)
I’ve suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. My classmates in eighth grade signed my yearbook with messages like “cheer up, it’ll get better” and “don’t kill yourself”. I’ve gone to shrinks, I’ve tried a ton of different medications. I’m at the point where my depression has become “manageable”. But I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will most likely suffer from it for the rest of my life.
I’ve also always loved to read and write, since I was very young. Reading has always been an escape for me. If the story is good, I get sucked right into it. I can forget about what’s going on IRL (in real life) for a little while. I block the whole world out when I read, and if the world minds I tell it to bite me.
Writing is a bit different for me. I need to concentrate on the words I’m typing. It’s a lot more difficult than reading. So while I do enjoy it, it seems a lot more like work than reading is. That itself may stem from my depression, though. My feeling of not being good enough. Everything I write is crap. How many times have I said to myself “this story sucks, I should just chuck it and start a new one”? More times than I can count. Depression makes me think my ideas suck, and thinking my ideas suck makes me depressed. It’s a lose-lose.
What about you, readers? Do you struggle with depression as well? Do you think the fact that you choose to write has anything to do with it? Or are you a happy-go-lucky writer who doesn’t see how depression and writing could ever be related? Share!
4 comments:
Great post, Meghan. I'm convinced the main reason I read A Wrinkle in Time 13 times is because it was about a tight-knit family whose members were always trying to save each other.
I do find escape in writing as well -- some days. Some days it works just like reading for me, in that I can pretend to be someone else for a while. Other days I feel what you describe -- inadequate and scared!
But you're right, we're not alone. And to be honest, to a degree my depression has made me the writer I am. Many of the themes I explore in my work come from that dark place. If someone asked me to choose between creativity and a cure for my depression, I'm not sure what I'd say, but my hunch is I'd choose creativity. Good thing we aren't asked such questions!
Thanks for sharing, Meghan. I wish you peace, confidence, and success!
I love that quote! I can definitely see where that could apply to me. I don't suffer from any textbook depression. I'm normally so optimistic and upbeat that even when I'm feeling down, most people would still think I'm in a good mood...but I feel the difference.
Anyway, I don't know if it's related to writing or not. But I DO know when I am excessively mad/glad/sad I have a compulsion to write. It evens out my temperament so I can think straight again.
Writing has always been a type of 'therapy' in that it allows us to put into words our deepest secrets and feelings - things that we might be afraid or unwilling to share with anyone. People are often encouraged to keep diaries of their innermost thoughts as a way of removing the burden of problems from our every waking moment.
I am a lot like you I suppose because I have always preferred to read since I was a child. Real life is hard. I can't even recall where I first heard that quote but I've always assumed it to be totally true. It only makes sense,right? I need to write a book, God willing I hope to someday. Anyway, I'm glad I found your blog.
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